If it's too perfect...

[green_idylls]

 So there's this quote I heard on a We're In Hell video about a home renovation show: "if it's too perfect, people don't feel like they can touch it". I think it was advice about putting out a cheeseboard, lol, but it stuck in my brain as like, full on life advice.

My social anxiety has improved a lot by now, but I think it's still on the severe end, and other than sheer avoidance my main coping mechanism for it is like... Giving A Perfect Performance. Like, never misspeaking, saying the things I'm supposed to say, social hypervigilance so I can move when I'm in the way and notice when people need something - basically, Anxiety Brain feels like the only way to avoid embarrassing myself or people getting mad at me is to do what's Correct, and prune myself of any errors. And of course, because I sadly am not a robot, I fuck up all the time and rake myself over the coals for it and end up feeling way more embarrassed than if I would if I could just behave naturally. But it still feels like if I stop trying to be above reproach, I'll just be inviting everyone to reproach me. And they will, and I'll deserve it. 

But the other issue with it is that I tend to come across as, like... overly polished, I guess. Too formal. A little robotic, even, lol. People have told me over and over that they thought I was pretty up myself before they got to know me - cold, pretentious, etc. Picture me sitting at a party, stonefaced with perfect posture, wondering why nobody wants to talk to me, lol.

So I'm trying to remind myself of that cheeseboard advice. Everyone fucks up, so if people see me fucking up, all it needs to mean is that they know I'm human. Putting myself above reproach is also putting myself above regular, relaxed, down-to-earth connections. It takes the joy out of socialising, not just for me but for everyone else. Cringe can be humanising :)

Comments

[zoingeroni]

I don't mean overstep so feel free to delete if desired - Have you ever considered that you might be autistic? What you're talking about here sounds like autistic masking, and your other post sounds like sensory + information overload.

[green_idylls]

Nah not overstepping! Or at least I'm not bothered by it if it is haha. To be honest I've considered it off and on for years, but it's hard to pull apart from all the other brain stuff. I can always find Some Other Explanation, like ADHD for the sensory stuff and my upbringing for the social performance. Mayhaps I protest too much, haha - but all of my IRL friends (like genuinely every single one of them, lol) have autism/AuDHD, so I figure I can sort of absorb any info/coping tips from them. Who needs a psychiatrist haha!